I know where you are because I’m there, too.

Dear girl,

I see you. I see you scouring the internet for articles telling you that what you’re doing isn’t wrong, that you shouldn’t feel guilty, everyone does it, you’re fine. You’ve found plenty to support what you want to hear, but somehow none say it in a way that really puts you at ease.

Dear girl,

I see you. I see your unsettled spirit. I see your sad eyes, hiding behind your smile. I see your mind, ever-preoccupied with the guilt you carry. What is the answer? Tell yourself nothing’s wrong? Attack the guilt? Or attack the cause of the guilt?

You’ve tried that. You’ve tried everything – grit-your-teeth willpower, journaling, self-condemnation, rehearsing over and over how you’ll do better next time, limiting your internet access, even admitting your “problem” to one or two carefully-chosen, far-enough-removed people. You’ve considered running away, even suicide – there must be something wrong with you. It’s normal, but it’s wrong, and you know it. And for you, you’re a girl, so your world says it’s both wrong AND weird, right?

Dear Girl,

I see you questioning your entire created self. My heart breaks for you.

Dear Girl,

I’m you, four years later.

You Cannot Win Over Porn Addiction

Clarity. My goal is to write with clarity what you and I, dear girl, need to read.

You are carrying a burden even more herculean than you comprehend. Only on the other side of victory will you understand the weight of what you are trying to fight on your own strength.

“But I’m a Christian! I’m not doing this on my own strength, I believe in Jesus!”

And I believe you. You are a follower of Jesus – you read the Bible, you pray – you even beg God to make you strong enough to resist temptation. So why – why – why does He let you continue to fall? “He must not care all that much,” you conclude. “Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ. If He cares, He’ll strengthen ME not to do it again. That’s what He’s supposed to do, right?”

But my dear, dear friend, your weakness is the point. Your weakness is the point. YOUR WEAKNESS IS THE POINT.

The moment you understand that – the sooner you grasp the depth of it – your world will ignite with the glory of GRACE. And you will rejoice in your weakness, dancing and singing and praising God for it, because it is easy for you to admit:

“I CANNOT DO THIS, GOD, BUT YOU CAN.”

“I CANNOT WIN THIS BATTLE, BUT YOU CAN.”

I’m not going to give you seven steps to conquer your porn addiction. Practical tips are helpful, AND they are a band-aid on a gaping wound if your heart does not understand how sin + grace work.

The Crazy Cycle of Porn Addiction

You are trapped in a crazy cycle. The cycle looks like this – sin, feel numb, despair, repent, run happily forward, be tempted, resist, eventually sin, then it’s back to the familiar, deadening numbness.

You can be free. If you have decided to allow Jesus Christ to be the King of your heart, you, daughter of God, have His very SPIRIT within you. It doesn’t feel like it right now. You feel like a fraud, a liar, someone taking advantage of God’s grace. And you are! We all are. Don’t you understand? That’s the entire point.

(What?)

God loves you NOW. He loved you when you started your private browsing session. He loved you when you lied to your parents. He loves you the same at 1:24 AM as He does at 9:47 AM, when you stand in church and sing about how forgiven your sins are. THE SAME. There are no conditions on the precious love of Christ. Our actions do not determine God’s opinion of us, His children.

Does that change the fact that you are sinning when you return to the slavery of sin? Absolutely not. Your sin is what nailed Jesus to the cross. It is treacherous and will kill your spirit if you continue to be enslaved by it. Can I let you in on a secret? I am exactly where you are when I am not stuck to my Savior like glue. When I depart the slightest inch from His side, I am exactly where you are. This is no one-time fix. This is a lifelong walk of redemption, and it’s the most beautiful thing you will ever experience short of eternity.

So choose this day to embrace Jesus HIMSELF, for HIMSELF.

Talk to Him, precious daughter. Draw near to God, and HE WILL draw near to you. That is a promise. Bring your doubts, your misgivings, your fears – “will He embarrass me? Will He hurt me? Will He abandon me?” – bring them all to Him, tell Him about them, and then LISTEN to what He says. He will speak to you through His written word, the Bible.

Friend-I-have-not-met, parched in the wilderness for the Spirit of God to free you, please hear me: right now, you need an ice cold glass of water. You don’t need a warm, relaxing cup of tea lulling you back into comfort. Put down Jesus Calling, put down your pink devotional, and hear HIM call to you for Himself. Stop reading what someone else has heard Him say and listen to Him with your own ears. He is speaking to you. Can you hear Him? Open His word for yourself. Pray for His guidance. With His unforgettable voice, He will ask you to do something. Be ready and willing to obey Him.

He is here for you eternally. And I’m here as long as He has me. If you want to reach out to me, my email address is autumnjduran@gmail.com; my Instagram is @autumn.duran.


Autumn Duran is, first, a disciple of Christ. Other things describe her, too – Phylicia’s sister, her parents’ daughter, a Realtor, worship leader, friend – but first and foremost, she is a child of God. She works on a real estate team in Petoskey, Michigan and is a worship and youth leader at her church. Follow her @autumn.duran on Instagram to see photos of sunrises and kittens with existential captions.