What does it mean for a man to be “head of the home”? Where does that even come from? Headship of husbands is a controversial issue. Headship is hotly debated in church and culture, often misunderstood, misinterpreted, and abused. But could headship be very different than what we’ve seen described thus far?
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A few weeks ago I received an interesting question on my weekly Q&A show on Instagram. The reader asked: “Do you think dating is just practice for divorce, like many conservative groups say?” I was a little surprised I’d never heard this before, given my own acquaintance with purity culture. It’s the perfect lay-up to the courtship conversation. And it’s a question we really need to answer in an age of temporary love.
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The role of fathers is vital. The love of a good father shows a daughter the kind of man she should look for in a spouse. But what happens when a father’s example becomes a template?
I think we’re seeing the result of this in Christian dating. Young women enter the dating sphere looking for a copy of their dad. The problem? Fifty year old men don’t come in twenty-two year old bodies! A few weeks ago I discussed three misconceptions about biblical masculinity. If there were a fourth, this would be it: Your husband is not your father.
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A few months ago I challenged married people to stop alienating their single friends. The relationship between married and single believers has, for many years, been anywhere on the spectrum from awkward to hostile. Singles feel left out and set up by their married acquaintances; marrieds feel dismissed and ignored by the singles.
Last year I authored a post called “It’s Time to Be Okay With Never Getting Married“. Naturally, I received some backlash from readers who did not grasp the personal nature of that post NOR the heart of what it said. One particular comment stated, “I stopped reading as soon as I saw the author was married.”
Herein lies the problem with many singles today. Rather than consider that married people were once single themselves, they write them off as “arrived”, as if they can no longer understand loneliness (a myth I debunked in this post about loneliness in marriage). I already challenged married people to embrace their single friends for who they are – not just as matchmaking opportunities. And today, I’m challenging singles to open their minds to what married people say about relationships – because they just might know what they’re talking about.
When single people roll their eyes at advice and input from married people, that’s like a child rolling his eyes when his parent talks about being a teen. As much as you may want to write off their input, your married friends have been where you are. Most married people in today’s western culture spent a good portion of their lives single and dating. They know what it feels like to be rejected, broken up with, turned down, and left out. Getting married didn’t wipe those memories away, and having a life partner isn’t a long-term cure to loneliness, either.
Because your married friends have walked this road a little ahead of you, they have perspective that you don’t yet possess. They can look back on things they wish they’d done differently. They can see where they made good and bad choices. And if they are believers, the wisdom of God couples with their experience in a way that may shed new light on your own situation.
If your married friends are truly your friends, they love you. And love always has the other person’s best interest in mind. Sometimes this might mean they attempt a set-up on your behalf. But if this offends you – tell them. True friends will stop pushing a relationship on you. Keep in mind that most people who offer to introduce you to someone do so because they love you. Any happiness they have experienced in their relationship is something they want for you. Most married people aren’t trying to set you up because they think something is wrong with being single. They simply want you to find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
But as previously stated, if you don’t want to be introduced to potential dates, good friends will heed that request. Remember too that honesty is the best policy: If you go on a date set up by married friends, and it doesn’t work out, just let them know! If you lose friends over a set-up, they probably weren’t the best friends in the first place.
Your married friends can offer valuable insight into singleness because hindsight really is 20/20. As I look back on my past relationships, I cringe at some of the choices I made. I see decisions that led to pain, and foolishness that could have been avoided. I look at what marriage requires of me and there are things I could have done when single to better prepare. I learned much the hard way, and so did Josh.
We have been redeemed, and I don’t regret my dating days. Some things do need to be learned through experience. But when I write about singleness as a married woman, it’s not because I’ve “arrived”. It’s because I can see the past clearly in the rearview mirror.
Your married friends have this same advantage. They see what they could have done differently, and they can share that wisdom. It’s not about one stage being better than another. It’s about learning from one another and being in community with people who equip and encourage us. And that applies to married people and singles – both.
There I was at 29, getting dangerously close to that next milestone birthday, feeling lost and wondering desperately what in the world was going on with my life.
Being 29 and single, especially in the South, will make you question everything. It will make you question if God is paying attention to you, like He seems to be your friends. It might make you question if you screwed up along the way and this prolonged season of singleness if just a form of punishment. It could even make you question if God loves you.
Thankfully, through this string of questioning and sessions of pouring out my heart, the Lord spoke such truth to me in those low moments that forever changed the way I view life and my circumstances. Not only did it change my outlook, but it also led to unleashing some blessings He had in store for me that eventually changed my circumstances.
What became almost way too simple to me was that singleness is not that important to God.
But eternity is.
My relationship status on earth is not His focus.
My relationship status (with the Lord) for eternity is His focus.
This world has made us believe that marriage is the goal. That the way to find fulfillment is to find your spouse. That to be completed is to be wife. But those are all lies from the enemy.
Eternity is what is on the Lord’s heart for you… not just your earthly life, which is what we tend to put the most emphasis on.
As we broaden our perspective to include eternity, it is much easier to see that the Lord has not been unfair, passed us over, or forgotten us entirely. He is just looking at a much bigger picture than we are. A.W. Tozer (one of my favorite authors!) describes it as a stream of time and asks you to picture God stepping outside of it and into full view of the entire stream of time and history. When I really began to understand (and believe) this it built a trust in Him and His plans over any of my own plans.
Coming to this realization brought the following truths to my attention :
Is that getting a little redundant? Good. I want that truth to really sink in!
You might be asking, “But doesn’t He care about my desires for marriage?” Yes! He cares about your heart and the things you most desire, but just like a parent, knows what’s best for their child, so the Lord knows what season of life will bring us closer to Him. Marriage can be a gift, but singleness can also be a gift. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation, like we’ve been made to believe. Either season can be a gift, because it will be what you need in the moment… the season that will bring you closer to Him.
Another thing to think about might be to ask where those desires for marriage came from. Could it be that those desires have come from the lies of the world and the persistent ability of the those lies to make you feel like marriage is a fairy tale, the end game, the goal? Could it be the lies that have told you that you will never truly “be complete” or live “fully alive” until you have a romantic partner by your side? Your desire for marriage MAY be a deep desire that the Lord has put in your heart, but it could also just be the expectations that have been placed on you from the world. Pray about this and ask God to search your heart and show you the truth!
Now that I knew all this, the only thing left to do was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to surrender.
Sitting in my living room with my hands stretched out and open to Him, I truly surrendered my future to Him for the first time. I surrendered my hopes of marriage, my desires for family, my expectations for what was to come, … everything.
I no longer wanted to be the one in charge while there was a God who not only knew what was best, but loved me so much that He wanted to give me His best.
What I couldn’t have predicted was that everything that He had been wanting to bless me (that I unknowingly was standing in the way of) were finally able to come to be, just by releasing the reigns. It actually allowed God to amaze me in all the ways that He had planned all along. I had been holding the reigns – keeping such a tight grasp on what I thought was going to be the best for me – but it wasn’t till I released it that I was able to ACTUALLY receive the best for me. Just a few months after this and within 2 weeks of each other, I received a very clear Word from the Lord, about my calling in life, and I met the man that I would eventually marry.
Surrender unleashed His big plans for my life. Yours may look different. But you can rest assured that the things He has planned for you are more than you could dream up for yourself.
If marriage is your primary goal, then you are limiting God. You are limiting Him from pouring out blessings you will never know because your heart is set on something that the world is telling you should be a top priority.
What I have experienced is that the things He had planned all along, (like from the very beginning, when I was frustrated and questioning Him), they have FAR exceeded anything I ever could have planned for myself. And I know that the same will be true for you.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”
Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)
Natalie
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