I know what you’re thinking: these last eight months were pointless. The emotions, the time, the dates, the gifts – useless, wasted, the stuff you throw away like scraps of paper. Except the scraps are your heart, and the wasted time was your life. He’s gone, you’re here, and though you know how to move on and you’re walking forward with the Lord, it’s hard to see the purpose in an ended relationship.
So here’s some hope to tape up your heart: Your broken relationship was not a waste of time.
“Fear tricks us into living a boring life.” Donald Miller wrote those words, and how true they ring in my ears and heart. I want to stay safe. I want to avoid risk, pain, and difficulty. I don’t want to be stretched or pulled beyond my comfort zone, my natural limitations; I want to stay on the safe side.
I wanted the same when I was single. I wanted things to go according to The Plan – my carefully laid out, neat and tidy plan, the one that kept me safe and comfortable. But in each season God has pulled me over my line in the sand into an adventure I never anticipated. I was not a willing participant in many of these excursions, but each one left me stronger than the one before. My singleness was no different.
Today’s singles are far lonelier, I think, than singles of decades past. It’s a theory for which I have no real proof outside of my own observation, but given the nature of western culture and the habits of my millennial (and younger) peers, I think it’s fairly valid. Singles are lonelier, and there’s a very obvious reason why:
Today’s Christian singles lack real community.
I’ll never forget the phase of my early teen years in which I believed that showing young men any amount of kindness was equal to flirting and therefore must be avoided. Though that idea may sound completely laughable to some of you, it was, and sometimes still is, a pervasive mindset in some circles.
So – you like him. Actually, you love him. If he’s the guy you grew up with, this love is probably the phileo-agape real deal. You’ll love him even if he moves on or you move on or both. Which is, of course, not your ideal ending – but always a possibility. You love him, and the timing is absolutely horrible.
You’re about to graduate and take a job in another state.
He has two years left at a school you don’t attend.
You’re not even out of high school, looking at a minimum of five years before marriage is on the table.
What do you do?
For Christians, the wedding night is a treated with sacred significance – and for many young women, a whole lot of fear. Because of the biblical emphasis on sex within marriage, Christian culture has placed a burden of weight on the wedding night that this one evening really doesn’t deserve.
That said, pretending the wedding night doesn’t exist and refusing to educate young women about their sexuality, their bodies, and the act of intimacy itself is a foolish decision. It is bad stewardship of a very good gift. So how much should one think about the wedding night before it happens, and should they do it at all? I think young women should absolutely consider this before the big day, but within some healthy boundaries.
It was a passing comment as she walked out the door. “I can usually tell when my priorities are out of whack,” She said, grabbing her purse from the coat rack. “I start seeing marriage as an escape from my reality, and that’s when I start wanting it too much.”
Her words rang in my ears for hours afterward. That’s it. That’s the problem.
It’s a problem I’m all too familiar with – I did the same thing when I was single. When work and school and life got stressful, I’d daydream about the day I’d be married – the day a man would “pick up the slack” and help me bear this burden. Though I’d never label myself a damsel in distress, that’s exactly what I acted like under pressure. Outwardly, I was capable; but inwardly, I was searching for a human rescuer from my circumstances.
The division between single and married remains a difficult barrier in the modern church. Though both sides are well-intended, many married couples act as if they don’t recall the difficulties of singleness. In turn, singles feel as if married people are only interested in the status of their love lives – and little else.
I decided to save my first kiss for my wedding day long before I started dating. Some will applaud this decision. Others will scoff and roll their eyes. Others will pity me for being a product of my conservative Christian upbringing.
My conviction was shaped through many years of attending weddings my dad, a pastor, was officiating. Some couples had saved their first kiss, some had not. Some weddings deeply moved me in their Christ-centered simplicity. The pure, strong love I saw some couples share in Christ made a deep impression on me.
Nobody wants to end up in the friend zone – at least not when they like the person who friend zoned them! Though this happens to guys and girls alike, being put in the friend zone when you’re hoping for more is – well, disappointing. When it keeps on happening, you might wonder what’s putting you in the friend zone at all.