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Virginity is Not God’s Goal

Sep 24, 2014 | Sexuality

“Virginity is something made up by men to keep women trapped in shame.”

When I read that statement I was finishing up a journal article review about the effects of Southern Baptist Fundamentalism on women. Along the way, I got distracted by some secular feminist authors. The concept of virginity – the unspoken weight of a ‘first time’ is, according the authors I read, a product of the ‘patriarchal’ movement. This movement (again according to secular authors) seeks to shame women into subjugating their sexuality to men. The ‘myth’ of virginity is allegedly part of this agenda.

I could be considered a ‘fundamentalist’ by the secular audience. I was raised in the church, grew up in a Christian home, I vote conservatively, I was homeschooled, I married young and don’t use the birth control pill. But when secular writers draw a battle line against fundamentalists, they aren’t reacting against people like me. They’re reacting to the legalists.

Unfortunately for Christians, there are a few in our camp who have elevated acts of grace-gratitude (works done because of faith) to requirements for salvation (works done to earn grace). Virginity is one of these legalistic requirements. The purity movement accomplished much good, but deep within its underpinnings lies an unanswered question: Will God still love me if I am not a virgin?

The purity movement has worked so hard to prevent it has lost its ability to restore. In an effort to teach women the glory of God’s design for sex, we have failed to extend God’s hope to the hurting. So I’m going to make a bold statement: purity is not about virginity.

Purity is not about virginity because virginity is not God’s goal.

Three Sex Questions the Church Won’t Answer

Sep 12, 2014 | Sexuality

Last Sunday our pastor preached on a passage in 1 Corinthians that talked about sex. “You’re probably thinking, “This is going to be awkward to listen to,”” He said, then laughed. “If you think that’s awkward, try giving this sermon.”

Like my pastor’s sermon, writing this series can be hard. As I pray over each post, I sometimes argue with the Lord over the content. “That’s too transparent,” I will say. “I’d rather speak in generalities.” But the Lord consistently reminds me of my own self a few years ago, desperately trying to find answers from a biblical perspective but unable to find them in a world of safe, Christian generality.

God’s Word applies to the questions you are asking about sex. God designed sex, God provided His Word, and God has given us His Spirit to enlighten the Word and guide us into a life that honors Him. But God gives us great freedom within this context. I’m not going to add rules to God’s Word, but point you to the principles God has provided that guide us through questions about sexuality.

Is masturbation a sin?

If you struggle with this, my friend, you are not alone. I receive emails almost every day from girls guilty, ashamed, and terrified to talk to anyone about their struggles. For women, this issue bears a much greater stigma than for men. Because no one addresses this topic openly with women, they feel it is a sin of which they cannot speak – and because they cannot speak and don’t know where to look, they cannot get help from a biblically-based source. My heart is to reach girls like these with God’s hope and restoration.

But is masturbation really a sin?

Biologically, masturbation is simply a body’s response to stimulus. But because it involves our sexual design – which was meant for union with a man in marriage – it is also connected to our mind, emotions, and spirit. This is why masturbation often requires porn, erotica, or mental fantasy in addition to the physical action.

“How Far is Too Far?” is the Wrong Question

Sep 4, 2014 | Sexuality

God’s will and command for us as Christians is not, “Try to live a good life,” or “Try to please Me as best you can,” or “Figure out a standard that works for you,” but – be holy. In word, deed, thought, action we are to emulate our God who enables us to do this by His Spirit (John 14:16, 15:26).
So the question to ask is not, “What can I get away with?” but “How holy can we be?”

How to Overcome Your Partner’s Sexual Past

Sep 3, 2014 | Sexuality

“I know God has forgiven him, and I have too… but will he think differently of me? Will I be beautiful enough?”

Her question was one I asked Josh before we got married. Many of you following the Other Virgin Diaries read my husband’s testimony in ‘Does God Forgive Sexual Sin?’, where he told his story of God’s grace and redemption over his own sexual past.

But as we approached our wedding day, I asked both my Josh and God: “Will that past affect our future?”

Will God Forgive Sexual Sin?

Aug 27, 2014 | Sexuality

I was crumpled in a ball by my nightstand, sobbing so hard it came in gasps. I couldn’t see through the tears, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know who I was anymore.

At the beginning it had all seemed to make sense: he liked me; he asked me out; he wanted to date me. But then… then he said my standards were too high. He said because I wouldn’t kiss him (after barely getting to know him), he would leave me. And he did.

I took him back. Now here I was, still a virgin, but an emotional wreck of who I’d been before. What happened to Purity Girl? I was the poster child for it. I wore the ring, I knew the rules, I wrote blog posts about it. This was supposed to be my area of expertise. How come it was so easy to compromise to a man who used my desire for affirmation to manipulate me?

As I knelt there hunched over a tear-stained Psalm 51, I asked God: How could you ever forgive me of something I’ve done again and again? Can I ever be who I was before?

Maybe you’ve asked those same questions. Today we’re going to answer them with what God has revealed to us in His Word. He is the only one who can speak with authority on this subject.

Since the beginning of the Other Virgin Diaries series, 60% of the emails I receive contain the above questions in some form. It’s a pressing concern for many young Christians who have compromised purity (to any degree) and long for their relationship with God to be renewed. But in the midst of that hope, many of us doubt God’s forgiveness or are unsure of what it looks like.

Sin is sin: whether it be gossip, lying, pride or extramarital sex, all sin is breaking the law of God (1 John 3:4 “Sin is lawlessness”). Sin is offensive to God because God is holy and perfect (Is. 6:1-5). Because man chose to sin in the beginning of time (Genesis 3) all of us are born with a natural tendency toward sin and thus toward offending God (Romans 5:12).

Sexual sin, however, is a different beast. Unlike other sins, sexual sin affects the body, emotions, mind, and spirit (1 Cor. 6:18). Sex was designed to be a thrilling experience in marriage, in which context the physical-emotional-spiritual connection is intense and fulfilling. But when removed from that context, sex has the power to twist our self-perception, spiral us into deeper sin, and most of all separate us spiritually from our pure relationship with God. God knows this danger, and therefore requires sex and the acts of foreplay leading to arousal as a part of marriage and nothing else.

Having established this, what do we do? What do we do if we have transgressed God’s law, offended God, and separated ourselves from a peaceful relationship with Him? Is there hope for those affected by the consequences of illicit sex?

YES! There is hope! Below are the steps we take to know this forgiveness and walk as conquerors in the grace of God.

3 Ways to Guard Your Girlfriend’s Purity

Aug 25, 2014 | Dating & Marriage, Sexuality

Most temptations are discussed as if they come from an outside source; not from within our own hearts. Today, let me outline for you several things you can do to promote a healthy and pure relationship with your girl.

Five Things to Do If Your Wedding Night Scares You

Aug 22, 2014 | Sexuality

If we worry about our wedding night, worry about how we look, worry about whether our husband will like us – we are inhibiting our own sexual experience! By trusting God’s plan, embracing our identity, and accepting our husband’s love we can jump wholeheartedly into all the excitement of marital sex.

Dear Girl, This is Why We Save Sex For Marriage

Aug 20, 2014 | Sexuality

But God’s design for sex is based on real, God-defined love. It is good to desire that kind of love. But when our desire for love is reduced to a desire for physical closeness alone, we have missed the point entirely. Sexual sensations are a product of sex – but they aren’t the purpose.

I Waited Until My Wedding To Lose My Virginity, and It’s the Best Thing I Ever Did

Aug 13, 2014 | Christian Life & Theology, Sexuality

Phy, you need to read this.”

I got that text from my friend while I was sipping coffee in renovated cottage-turned-cafe. It contained a link.

“This writer did a purity pledge,” The texts continued. “And has rejected all of it. You need to read it, and some of the comments.”

So I did, and as tears welled in my eyes, I knew I’d have to do what I really don’t like doing: write a response post.

The article was entitled “It Happened to Me: I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn’t”. I read it in its entirety. The more I read, the more heartbroken I felt for Samantha (the author) and the twisted experience she relayed in the post. But my sadness was overwhelmed with a sense of utter urgency.

A lot of young women will read that post: young women who have made purity pledges and are waiting for an excuse to walk away from them. Young women teetering on the bring of sexual and spiritual destruction. Young women wondering if it is even worth this waiting-for-marriage.

So I’m going to battle for the other side because this waiting-for-marriage thing – it’s worth it. In fact, waiting for marriage to lose my virginity was the best decision I ever made.

1. My commitment to purity wasn’t to a church: it was to Christ Himself…

Is There Forgiveness for Repeated Failure?

Jun 16, 2014 | Sexuality

So when I failed – whether in word, thought, or action – I would go through days of spiritual turmoil attempting to figure out whether God would forgive me, if I had jeopardized my salvation, and if I was worthy to even call myself a Christian. Sometimes I wondered if I was even a Christian at all. Whatever the sin, I saw my repeated failure as mounting evidence that I very obviously did not love Jesus, and because of that, Jesus must not love me.

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