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Birth Control in a World of Extremes

This post is part of a series, The Other Virgin Diaries.

Mr. M and I sat back to back in our office at our respective desks. My screen bleeped, and I saw a Facebook notification. “Joshua Masonheimer has sent you a video.”

“Stop sending me baby videos.” I muttered.

Mr. M chuckled. We both come from large families: he is one of seven, I am one of six. I am the eldest, he is the third. We are well acquainted with babies, children, and the whole family process, since we were in our teens when our youngest siblings were born.

I’ve been asked by several readers to share my views on birth control. Before anybody gets up in arms, fingers hovering over keyboards to angrily share ‘their side of the story’ – I’ve heard all the sides, inside out and upside down. Here is what I’m going to talk about in this post:

ALL the options available for birth control (it seems only Cosmo talks about this)
Why I PERSONALLY chose not to use the Pill
Five factors to consider when choosing your OWN birth control option

This is an issue that requires prayer and thoughtful consideration, as well as discussion with your fiance or husband. However, it’s also a topic on which few resources are provided from a Christian perspective. As an engaged woman, I found only two extremes: those who believe in no birth control whatsoever and those who pop a pill, no questions asked. Well, I had questions. I researched, argued with my gynecologist, and talked with Mr. M extensively before making my decision. We have now been married nine months and have complete peace with our decision, and I’ll talk more about that in a little bit.

So what options are available? There are actually quite a few.

Birth Control Options:

The Pill, Rings, Shots and Patches

All of these are hormone-based. Here is a description from WebMD:

“These hormones work to inhibit the body’s natural cyclical hormones to prevent pregnancy. Pregnancy is prevented by a combination of factors. The hormonal contraceptive usually stops the body from ovulating. Hormonal contraceptives also change the cervical mucus to make it difficult for the sperm to go through the cervix and find an egg. Hormonal contraceptives can also prevent pregnancy by changing the lining of the womb so it’s unlikely the fertilized egg will be implanted.”

Why Your Homeschooling, Modesty, and Virginity Will Never Save You

It had been a day. Not just a day… but a day: the kind that, when you reach the end of it, you either want to put on your best heels and go out on the town or curl up in your duvet and die.

To start, I’d been up late the night before and only had five hours of sleep. I came to work late because I had to pick up some tax forms Financial Aid needed. Then I got sent home sick.

Once home, I found out the tax forms still weren’t right. I couldn’t reach Mr. M, who was in Tennessee – and he’s who put the forms together.

Nationwide wanted information on our renter’s insurance, which I also didn’t have.

I tried to call the doctor to pay an outstanding bill and they wouldn’t answer. I called another doctor – the one I’d been trying to get an appointment with for three months but couldn’t because the last one wouldn’t send my records – and they stated, once again, that my records were MIA.

So I sat on the sofa in Mr. M’s t-shirt eating a bowl of Cocoa Krispies, bawling my eyes out for a good five minutes. This is the most effective response under such circumstances.

And I still had a three page essay and seven page paper due that night. My computer decided it would be nice to just shut down in the middle of my essay.

“Moral question:” I texted my sisters. “Would it be wrong to swear while writing a theology paper?” The answer is quite obvious, and I didn’t do it, but my stars! What a day!!

—-

Our lives are a transcript of our theology. We cannot separate what we believe about God from the choices we make.

One of the saddest things I encounter as a writer is the lack of biblical knowledge many Christians possess. They attempt to parse together a knowledge of God from Sunday School messages, Beth Moore studies, and the every-now-and-then quiet time. We live in a world of Christians who might know the word ‘justification’ but couldn’t tell you what it means for their lives.

Our doctrine – our theology – it matters. It is fundamental to absolutely everything we do as women. What you believe about God and His gospel story will affect:

How you speak
How you think
How you dress
How far you go with your boyfriend
How you navigate your future
How you view marriage and children
How you handle your finances
How you view your purpose in life

Don’t believe me? Here’s an example.

Three Sex Questions the Church Won’t Answer

Last Sunday our pastor preached on a passage in 1 Corinthians that talked about sex. “You’re probably thinking, “This is going to be awkward to listen to,”” He said, then laughed. “If you think that’s awkward, try giving this sermon.”

Like my pastor’s sermon, writing this series can be hard. As I pray over each post, I sometimes argue with the Lord over the content. “That’s too transparent,” I will say. “I’d rather speak in generalities.” But the Lord consistently reminds me of my own self a few years ago, desperately trying to find answers from a biblical perspective but unable to find them in a world of safe, Christian generality.

God’s Word applies to the questions you are asking about sex. God designed sex, God provided His Word, and God has given us His Spirit to enlighten the Word and guide us into a life that honors Him. But God gives us great freedom within this context. I’m not going to add rules to God’s Word, but point you to the principles God has provided that guide us through questions about sexuality.

Is masturbation a sin?

If you struggle with this, my friend, you are not alone. I receive emails almost every day from girls guilty, ashamed, and terrified to talk to anyone about their struggles. For women, this issue bears a much greater stigma than for men. Because no one addresses this topic openly with women, they feel it is a sin of which they cannot speak – and because they cannot speak and don’t know where to look, they cannot get help from a biblically-based source. My heart is to reach girls like these with God’s hope and restoration.

But is masturbation really a sin?

Biologically, masturbation is simply a body’s response to stimulus. But because it involves our sexual design – which was meant for union with a man in marriage – it is also connected to our mind, emotions, and spirit. This is why masturbation often requires porn, erotica, or mental fantasy in addition to the physical action.

I Waited Until My Wedding To Lose My Virginity, and It’s the Best Thing I Ever Did

Phy, you need to read this.”

I got that text from my friend while I was sipping coffee in renovated cottage-turned-cafe. It contained a link.

“This writer did a purity pledge,” The texts continued. “And has rejected all of it. You need to read it, and some of the comments.”

So I did, and as tears welled in my eyes, I knew I’d have to do what I really don’t like doing: write a response post.

The article was entitled “It Happened to Me: I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn’t”. I read it in its entirety. The more I read, the more heartbroken I felt for Samantha (the author) and the twisted experience she relayed in the post. But my sadness was overwhelmed with a sense of utter urgency.

A lot of young women will read that post: young women who have made purity pledges and are waiting for an excuse to walk away from them. Young women teetering on the bring of sexual and spiritual destruction. Young women wondering if it is even worth this waiting-for-marriage.

So I’m going to battle for the other side because this waiting-for-marriage thing – it’s worth it. In fact, waiting for marriage to lose my virginity was the best decision I ever made.

1. My commitment to purity wasn’t to a church: it was to Christ Himself…

Sexual Freedom and the Christian Girl

Sometimes I wish there were a Christian Cosmopolitan magazine. I know – it’s an oxymoron. But bear with me.

What if there were a magazine for Christian young women that had articles not only about being your best at work, how to wake up in the morning, modesty and fashion – but also about birth control options other than the pill? About what sex looks like in marriage? Articles about the questions young women are asking that the church and family refuse to answer in a Christian context?

While plenty of books have been written, I know there are many young women who have questions they didn’t dare ask, and those questions were eventually answered by an eager world of Cosmo, Self, and Elle. The girls find their answers – but from the wrong people, and in the wrong places, with the wrong worldview.

So we find girls who started out with every tool necessary to build a future bright with hope and blessing, and watch them throw it away to prove nothing to nobody. We see little daughters grow up into young women, their innocent eyes now lined with anger because they believe the purity ring prevented them from experiencing real life. But as they go about experiencing, experimenting, and finding themselves, they lose something far more precious.

In the grocery store check out line we’re told that sexual freedom is being in control of your own body and giving it to whoever you please, whenever you please, and in as many small pieces as you choose to meter out at a time. But Cosmo only tells girls about the night before, not the morning after…

Lust and the Christian Woman

The tears spilling onto her keyboard – I could almost see them.

I could hear the anguish in the words she typed, backspaced, and re-typed.

I could feel her heart, aching and burdened, reaching out to me – the faceless Internet name – just to have someone to talk to. Someone who might understand.

“I feel like I’m sinking deeper in sin and further and further from God. So many women disguise their sexual sins because it is so taboo and “unacceptable” for Christian women to be sexual beings. So many women have secret sins because of these expectations… So please. Do you have any advice? Thank you so much for your time.”

I received that email a long time ago now, but she – the writer – has been housed in the back of my mind since that day. I know she isn’t the only one who feels this way. I know there are many more girls out there – good, Christian, by-the-book young women – who have the same questions she was asking. But they don’t dare ask.

There is a stigma when it comes to lust, as applies to the life of a Christian woman…

Does It Really Matter How I Live?

I overheard the girls talking at a table nearby.

“Ultimately the gospel is what matters. We all just need to quit trying to say this is right and that is wrong and be at peace with each other. People keep drawing too many lines in the sand… Forget the peripheral and concentrate on what really matters: the gospel.”

I stirred my coffee and blinked at the dark bubbles on the surface. Was she right?

In the comment stream of the blogs I follow, women – moms, especially – continually postulate about peace. “Stop telling us what to do and how to live,” They say. “All we need to do is love God and each other.”

Is that true?

I set out to discover the truth for myself.

—-

Church history is laced with ‘trends’ of Christianity. During the Enlightenment of the 18th century, reason and intellectualism were very prevalent; but the next generation sought to understand the emotions of God, which gave rise to the spiritualism of the Quakers, Shakers, Mennonite and Amish sects. Over the years these trends rise and fall, many times caused by children reacting to the influence of parents who were either too ‘free’ or too ‘strict’. Whole church movements are caused by generations who see a need for a fresh understanding of the gospel, and this renewed seeking results in new behaviors. Today’s culture is no different: we have the ‘young, restless, and Reformed’, the YWAM-Toms-and-beanie worship leaders, the time-resistant homeschool purity-ringers and many more pockets of Christian belief. The church appeals for unity and demands we get rid of the ‘periphery’ – those divisive parts of Christianity – in order to unite….

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