Sep 24, 2014 | Sexuality
“Virginity is something made up by men to keep women trapped in shame.”
When I read that statement I was finishing up a journal article review about the effects of Southern Baptist Fundamentalism on women. Along the way, I got distracted by some secular feminist authors. The concept of virginity – the unspoken weight of a ‘first time’ is, according the authors I read, a product of the ‘patriarchal’ movement. This movement (again according to secular authors) seeks to shame women into subjugating their sexuality to men. The ‘myth’ of virginity is allegedly part of this agenda.
I could be considered a ‘fundamentalist’ by the secular audience. I was raised in the church, grew up in a Christian home, I vote conservatively, I was homeschooled, I married young and don’t use the birth control pill. But when secular writers draw a battle line against fundamentalists, they aren’t reacting against people like me. They’re reacting to the legalists.
Unfortunately for Christians, there are a few in our camp who have elevated acts of grace-gratitude (works done because of faith) to requirements for salvation (works done to earn grace). Virginity is one of these legalistic requirements. The purity movement accomplished much good, but deep within its underpinnings lies an unanswered question: Will God still love me if I am not a virgin?
The purity movement has worked so hard to prevent it has lost its ability to restore. In an effort to teach women the glory of God’s design for sex, we have failed to extend God’s hope to the hurting. So I’m going to make a bold statement: purity is not about virginity.
Purity is not about virginity because virginity is not God’s goal.
Sep 9, 2014 | Dating & Marriage
Settling. That’s what we call it. Why do smart, beautiful, Christian girls take the immediate rather than wait for someone worthy of them? I ask myself this question often. Maybe it’s the wanna-be-soccer-mom person that I am, but each time I see a girl settling for a guy who devalues her, I feel a parental pang of sadness. The truth is: I know exactly why they settle. I know why girls take the guy in front of them instead of waiting to see if something better is yet to come.
I know the motive because I’ve been there – and now I’m on the other side of the dating game. Married, my husband and I think of our younger selves and say: “If only you knew what God had in store.”
Two Ends of the Spectrum
I have seen two very unhealthy perspectives when it comes to dating and marriage: the first is an overemphasis on marriage as an end-all, achievement, or goal. It is the idea that life ‘begins’ when we marry.This mentality makes marriage an idol and man a god, removing our effectiveness as individual persons.
The second perspective is a complete distaste for marriage (often as a reaction to overemphasis), excessive independence and an attitude of ‘swearing off’ men or marriage in general. This mentality acts as if marriage is man’s idea, not God’s, and scorns God’s design for relationship. It is another form of idolatry: the idolatry of independence and self-discovery.
Neither is healthy, as is the case with most extremes.
In between these two we find women waffling between a desire to be desired and the drive to be individual. But that drive is tempered by a prick in the back of her mind that if – just if – the right man were to show up, would she be in a position to accept him into her life? Would her individual pursuits have alienated her prospects?
So before we delve into why we settle and why we shouldn’t be settling, here are a few thoughts:
It is not wrong to want to be desired.
It is not wrong to be independent, strong, and individualistic (in fact it is healthy).
We were created for companionship, but that companionship is for life.
We have to say ‘no’ to the lesser in order to say ‘yes’ to the best.
God-honoring relationships require absolute trust and unshakeable faith.
Want to be Wanted
Woman is beautiful and her body was designed in such a way to please the eye. Man was designed to be visual (in a perfect world, this visual nature would be dedicated to his wife alone). Though both men and women desire one another and need affirmation, a woman’s ‘want to be wanted’ creates in her a drive to please, to be valued, and to be affirmed that she is capable, beautiful, and acceptable for who she is.
Sep 4, 2014 | Sexuality
God’s will and command for us as Christians is not, “Try to live a good life,” or “Try to please Me as best you can,” or “Figure out a standard that works for you,” but – be holy. In word, deed, thought, action we are to emulate our God who enables us to do this by His Spirit (John 14:16, 15:26).
So the question to ask is not, “What can I get away with?” but “How holy can we be?”
Sep 3, 2014 | Sexuality
“I know God has forgiven him, and I have too… but will he think differently of me? Will I be beautiful enough?”
Her question was one I asked Josh before we got married. Many of you following the Other Virgin Diaries read my husband’s testimony in ‘Does God Forgive Sexual Sin?’, where he told his story of God’s grace and redemption over his own sexual past.
But as we approached our wedding day, I asked both my Josh and God: “Will that past affect our future?”
Aug 29, 2014 | Singleness
Growing up I had this perception that at when I turned 18, there would be a line of suitors down my sidewalk.
Then I went to college, the Mecca of Christian manhood – and expected the same thing.
Well, surprise, surprise! Not every man in Michigan and Virginia got word I was on the market. There were a few dates; a few going-out-for-coffees… but definitely no receiving line.
I’m hoping you’ve read enough of my other posts to understand my views on purity, dating, and sexuality, but if not, I’ll give you a bullet point list:
Purity is not about standards; it’s about pleasing God.
Standards of dating behavior come from our desire to please and honor God. When you want to please God, you won’t be letting men get handsy on you.
God designed sex for within marriage for our protection and our glory.
Women who respect themselves and understand their God-given value will have the most successful relationships (we’ll talk about this in this post).
We should place higher priority on God’s approval than on man’s, and always be willing to give up man’s approval in order to keep God’s…
