My struggle with PPA after Ivan’s birth was much worse than it was with either of my girls. It came at night in waves. Just as I was about to go to sleep, I would have intrusive thoughts about Ivan suffocating. Or my girls running into the road. Of me falling down the stairs with the baby in my arms. I would wake up gasping and crying as Josh reached out to calm me, holding my head and praying me back to sleep. 

I was the graceless Christian. I remember well the inner criticism, the judgmental eye, the pride harbored in my heart. It’s never far enough away for me to become careless about it. I’ve grown in my understanding for and appreciation of grace, and each day I walk more in victory. But I remember who I could be without Him. Years into this walk with Christ I’ve grown to deeply appreciate clarity on core doctrine and graciousness for second and third tier issues. Knowing which is which is fundamental, in my opinion, to spiritual maturity.