Rather then being ‘against’ what one man says about women, consider: are we for what God says about women?
With this in mind, below is a list not of the women Christian men shouldn’t marry, but the ones they should.
Marriage reveals just how selfish you really are, a painful realization on your own time, and twice as nice when there’s someone else observing your utter self-absorption. Marriage sanctifies. It shows you things about yourself you didn’t know were there – things that aren’t always pretty. In my own first year of marriage, I learned the following five things that were hard to swallow.
In this post I am simply talking about respect, though Paul had just finished a discussion of submission (read my post Biblical Submission is Dangerous for my thoughts on that topic). Respect is a command from God. That means acting in a respectful manner even when I do not feel respectful toward Mr. M. I learned this the hard way, but I’ve found, as I’ve grown in the discipline of respect, that changing my manner improves arguments, cultivates good communication, and affirms my love for him better than anything else I can do.
Like almost everything else I write about on this blog (kissing, dating standards, modesty, submission, men), there are two extreme camps on this issue. One implies women should spend life in their living rooms, skip college, and wait for a man who pursues them. The other vouches for ’empowerment’: citing ‘equality’ as reason enough for women to ask men out on a date the same way a man would ask a woman. Women are encouraged to pursue men and make their availability wantonly clear.
And there we are, God’s women, sitting in between these two camps: one piously citing faith in a very unseen suitor, the other out every evening with a different guy.
What’s a girl to do?
In writing The Other Virgin Diaries, I talked a lot about relationships and sexuality. But there’s a variable in all these posts that is only sometimes addressed by my husband’s once-in-a-blue-moon post appearances.
That variable is the men.
Our culture has a great habit of blasting information loud and long enough until we start to believe it. One thing they’ve trumpeted since I was old enough to notice is the ‘necessary evil’ of male humans. It seems men are great for Cosmo covers, bedrooms, parties, and taking out the trash. But they’re terrible at marriage, post-marital sex, and general intelligence.
I’m really sick of this stupidity. That’s right: stupidity. You can’t fight a battle for equality when you marginalize the very people you need on your side – that’s for the extreme feminists.
For the rest of you, I’ll bet some of these ‘myths’ have been ground into your mind without your knowledge or consent, and we’re going to debunk them. When God created people, He created man AND woman in His image (Gen. 1:27). They are equal in God’s eyes, though He has equipped them for different roles, a fact evidenced by the distinction between our anatomies (‘equality’ does not mean ‘same’ or ‘interchangeable’). If you have questions about the biblical definition of marriage and roles, read this post.
This post is going to make some people mad. So before you respond, get some back up for your responses. Provide Scripture. Get the facts.
These ‘myths’ are beliefs that may be unspoken, but have been generally accepted by many Christian women. Some of them are half-truths that have been unfairly applied to very diverse portion of our society. There are always exceptions. But exceptions are not the rule for a whole gender, and that’s what we are going to debunk.
Co-written by my husband, ‘Mr. M’.
I should have known he would be a problem. I really should have. He was a little too… eager. A little too available, and way too serious after knowing me only a week. But I was 20 and pretty naive about this stuff.
At first I thought he was just an ardent pursuer, but that notion went out the window when he began pairing my name with his on our 10th day of acquaintance.
…As if ‘Phylicia Phillips’ was a good idea in ANY world.
Red flags had been popping up in my mind every day of our acquaintance, but I ignored them because I didn’t want to make a ‘rash judgment’. By the end of that summer, he proved himself exactly what the flags had professed him to be – fortunately, I had stopped talking to him on the 11th day.
My husband (Mr. M, for new readers) and I have often talked about the ‘red flags’ we had in prior relationships. That was a term he used to describe the lack of inner peace he’d had before making a poor decision. Both he and I have ignored those ‘red flags’ in past relationships out of a desire to ‘make it work’ or ‘save’ someone who should have found their salvation PRIOR to a human relationship.
This happens more often than it should among Christian young people, men and women alike.
In my post “You Don’t Want to Lose Him… But Maybe You Should”, I talked briefly about a woman’s desire to ‘be the difference’ in a weak man’s life, or to inspire him to make a salvation decision. In ‘A Few Good Men’, I discussed why we should have faith that there are good men out there – and strive to be women worthy of those men.
If you’ve already married a weak or unsaved man, there is a different path to take. Once married, that person is the one you have committed to love and understand for life, outside of instances of physical abuse (for advice on marriage, I recommend visiting the Time Warp Wife, Women Living Well, and The Unveiled Wife). This is why it is imperative that young people use God’s wisdom in choosing who they date and marry. This isn’t a big joke, and there are consequences to every relationship we enter – both romantic and platonic.
Love is not a science, but if it were, I’d have a degree in Relationship Logistics. Do you ever wonder what inspires a girl to settle for a man of such mettle? I’ve come up with a feasible theory for the workings of the female mind; a mentality that inspires a girl to make decisions far different from what her nearest and dearest would hope. It’s the mentality of settlement: this is as good as it’s gonna get.
Settling. That’s what we call it. Why do smart, beautiful, Christian girls take the immediate rather than wait for someone worthy of them? I ask myself this question often. Maybe it’s the wanna-be-soccer-mom person that I am, but each time I see a girl settling for a guy who devalues her, I feel a parental pang of sadness. The truth is: I know exactly why they settle. I know why girls take the guy in front of them instead of waiting to see if something better is yet to come.
I know the motive because I’ve been there – and now I’m on the other side of the dating game. Married, my husband and I think of our younger selves and say: “If only you knew what God had in store.”
Two Ends of the Spectrum
I have seen two very unhealthy perspectives when it comes to dating and marriage: the first is an overemphasis on marriage as an end-all, achievement, or goal. It is the idea that life ‘begins’ when we marry.This mentality makes marriage an idol and man a god, removing our effectiveness as individual persons.
The second perspective is a complete distaste for marriage (often as a reaction to overemphasis), excessive independence and an attitude of ‘swearing off’ men or marriage in general. This mentality acts as if marriage is man’s idea, not God’s, and scorns God’s design for relationship. It is another form of idolatry: the idolatry of independence and self-discovery.
Neither is healthy, as is the case with most extremes.
In between these two we find women waffling between a desire to be desired and the drive to be individual. But that drive is tempered by a prick in the back of her mind that if – just if – the right man were to show up, would she be in a position to accept him into her life? Would her individual pursuits have alienated her prospects?
So before we delve into why we settle and why we shouldn’t be settling, here are a few thoughts:
It is not wrong to want to be desired.
It is not wrong to be independent, strong, and individualistic (in fact it is healthy).
We were created for companionship, but that companionship is for life.
We have to say ‘no’ to the lesser in order to say ‘yes’ to the best.
God-honoring relationships require absolute trust and unshakeable faith.
Want to be Wanted
Woman is beautiful and her body was designed in such a way to please the eye. Man was designed to be visual (in a perfect world, this visual nature would be dedicated to his wife alone). Though both men and women desire one another and need affirmation, a woman’s ‘want to be wanted’ creates in her a drive to please, to be valued, and to be affirmed that she is capable, beautiful, and acceptable for who she is.
Most temptations are discussed as if they come from an outside source; not from within our own hearts. Today, let me outline for you several things you can do to promote a healthy and pure relationship with your girl.
Despite the fact I took a Master Gardening course for a semester, I have an uncanny knack for killing all things green. I’m not quite sure how my geraniums have survived the last month, since I haven’t tended to them since the Fourth of July.
My non-nurture nature isn’t specific to flowers. As a nanny, I was very brass tacks. I’m not paid to baby these children, I told myself. I’m paid to cook and clean and change diapers. So that is what I did.
To ‘nurture’ means to ‘care for and encourage the growth or development of’ something or someone. For those of us who are ‘Type A’, the time and patience required for this care may not be an exciting prospect.
But love is on the to-do list, and part of love is being patient, kind, and gentle – all traits which contribute to the nature of a nurturing spirit.
What does this ‘nurture’ look like? What is it, and what is it not?