I'm a product of "purity culture". I wore the ring, read the books, and didn't date in high school. I could tell you anything you wanted to know about courtship. I was immersed in the culture through my teen years, as a student and a leader within the movement. I...
Break ups, as painful as they can be, are not our enemy. In fact, break ups can strengthen us for future relationships, teaching us crucial things about our natures as women and what we need to be seeking in a mate. No one said you would marry the first person you date. While some people do – and good for them! – not everyone has this destiny, and if you lived a holy life in that relationship, a break up does not “tarnish” you for the future. And if you did sin in the relationship – especially physically – there is redemption for the repentant.
and it won my heart. And he’s still winning my heart to this day.
Love is the choice that keeps on choosing. Don’t settle for a pseudo-love that is an echo of the real thing. Look to God’s definition and allow Him to be your guide. You won’t regret it.
Praying for your future husband shouldn’t be the only thing on your prayer list by any means. But if you struggle with contentment, route your discontented thoughts into prayer. As one of my dear friends told me: “worrying is praying for what you don’t want”. Don’t worry about being single. Pray for wisdom, strength, humility, and a desire for the God who loves you – the same God who loves your future mate.
I view singleness as a testing period, the reward of which is received through perseverance. I believe this is true because it is true for every other stage of life. Good marriages don’t just “show up” – you have to persevere in love, trust, and respect. Good kids don’t just “appear” – you have to teach, train, guide, and discipline children in the truth. And good single years don’t just “happen” – you have to persevere through the pain, loneliness, and discontent to live these years to their utmost possibility.
Update: the first post in the series is live! Click here to read "Am I Single Because I'm Doing Something Wrong?" I used to stand by the fence lining our back pasture and watch the sun set, and when I did, I often prayed the same prayer: "Dear God, I don't know where...
Since I was very young, I knew I wanted to be married. There’s a picture of me at six years old, sitting on my mom’s cedar chest with a napkin on my head, in a white dress, holding a bouquet of fake flowers in two chubby hands. I always wanted to be a bride!
But since most women marry in their mid- to late twenties, and I had plenty of time on my hands. After an epiphany at age 21, I realized I wanted to be married – but was woefully unprepared. I commissioned myself to develop habits that would, at the very least, make the transition to marriage a little easier when that day finally came.
Dear girl,
You’ve stopped on the breakneck journey of life to read this post, and I’m glad you did. For the moment you’re here, I want you to set down the two suitcases you have in your hands – the one called Father, and the other called Mom.
I want you to set them aside and hear something true.
Every person on this earth has parents, whether that term refers simply to their biological origins or if it has the deeper relational meaning of a family tie. You have a mother and dad. Some of you don’t know either of them. Some of you lost one to death or divorce. Some of you were hurt by them, abused by them, or neglected by them. Some feel you can’t meet their expectations. Some of you were babied and enabled by them.
Our parents have a profound effect on our lives, and their choices have the power to influence us for years to come.
But dear girl, your life is not the sum of your parents’ failure or success.
You are neither a trophy nor a disappointment.
Your identity is not based on your last name or your parents’ actions. They are imperfect people, sinners just like you and me. But their flaws should not dictate our value, or we will go through life measuring our worth against the opinions of people instead of the opinion of God.
Some of us had parents who did things well: they loved us, they trained us, they taught us, they cared about us. But those of us with this story carry another burden: the burden of expectation. Just as some carry the weight of their parents’ poor decisions or disapproval, others carry the weight of comparison. They think their marriage is supposed to look just like their parents’ did. They think their lives, homes, and children are supposed to be just like their childhood. And when it isn’t – as most assuredly will be the case – they are assaulted with discontent and disillusionment.
Dear girl,
When I got your letter my heart sank to the pit of my stomach and I felt sick. I read the pain and confusion in every line; the desperate plea for clarity… for identity. When you met Jesus, you gave it all up for Him: all that identified you as you. Your makeup and nails and pretty things, your music and yoga pants. You gave it up because you thought you had to. You thought doing all the ‘right things’ was what faith in Him looks like.
And now you stand here, wondering who you are without who you were, confused, frustrated, and lonely.
Perhaps someone told you to get rid of your manicure in the name of vanity.
Perhaps someone told you your lipstick was too bright.
Perhaps you read my post about yoga pants and thought changing the trappings was enough in God’s eyes.
Dear girl, stop following the rules.
I think we need courage to get up in the morning and face another day of sameness. We need courage to live another season of singleness. We have to fight for joy, face our fears, and wait on the Lord’s timing in every phase of life – and that takes courage! But like me on my mountain run, we get weak and want to give up. We want to collapse in a ditch, wheezing, “Just leave me here! Go on without me!”