There Is No PhotoShop in Marriage
Join me in welcoming Daniel as our guest blogger today! I enjoy welcoming a male contributor to the site once in a while and Daniel’s post offers some fantastic insight into Christian marriage. He shares the five things that attracted him to his wife and why those things are integral to a quality relationship.
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Young women are bombarded with pop culture messages about the preeminent importance of attracting men via their physical appearance and through sexuality. Unfortunately, those same messages also tie strength of womanhood to how open and bold a woman is in expressing her sexual desires through behavior and appearance.
As a married Christian man, though, I can say unequivocally that to the Godly man, who will treasure you for a lifetime more than a priceless gem, that true strength and beauty are found in the content of a woman’s heart and the strength of her character.
To me, my wife, Staci, is the most beautiful woman on earth, the apple of my eye. And though as a husband I undoubtedly find her body extremely attractive, if I were to list out the traits that most attracted me to her, her radiant heart and spirit would always be most important.
Why?
Why Marriage Won’t Cure Your Loneliness
It seems counter intuitive at first.
As a single woman, I imagined a lot of things about marriage. I imagined walks in the woods, lovely dinners on a quaint table, running together on some paved pathway that was downhill both ways…
Well, the walks DO happen… when we aren’t working. And healthy, tasty, affordable meals do make it on my tableclothed-and-centerpieced table – because I plan and make them. And running together? We won’t talk about that one.
There was one other thing I believed as a single woman – something many young women believe. I thought marriage would solve my loneliness. Though I didn’t say as much in words, I pictured marriage as that perfect companionship where the love of a man would make me feel secure.
Sure, I knew God would be my confidence and security. But marriage would definitely help.
Why I Don’t Use the Birth Control Pill
If you were to scroll through my Instagram feed, you would see pictures of babies.
Lots of babies.
In addition to cuddling my 7-month-old nephew whenever I’m in his vicinity, I work a part time job twice a week babysitting six children after my 8-5. There are lots of bath times, snacks, and tea parties in my after-hours.
I started working at the age of 12 as a mother’s helper, and through most of my teens and early twenties was supplementing my regular work schedule with babysitting or nanny work. My sisters did the same thing (they are currently in Los Angeles ‘nannying’ for two weeks – rough life). But if you were to ask me over coffee if I liked kids, the honest answer I would give you is – no.
I’m a Type A woman. I like to get stuff done. I’ve also spent the last 6 years in a workforce dominated by cubicles, Excel sheets, and blazers, the last three years of which were spent on a college campus. No babies to be found there!
I have enough experience with children to know they don’t just sit where you tell them to sit. They think farts are funny (and I don’t), they splash their dirty bathwater in your face, they holler and hit and howl and harangue. They delay obedience and feed you chewed-on Goldfish crackers.
5 Ways We Destroy Debt {$30,000 in 16 Months}
We believe that debt is our enemy. Proverbs 22:7 says: “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.” While we don’t believe debt is a sin (there are medical reasons families must incur debt as well as other unforeseen circumstances) we DO believe it is not God’s will to stay in debt, passively accepting it as a fact of life.
At the writing of this post, we are 90% toward our pay-off goal. The five principles outlined below will show you how we accomplished this!
10 Women Christian Men Should Marry
Rather then being ‘against’ what one man says about women, consider: are we for what God says about women?
With this in mind, below is a list not of the women Christian men shouldn’t marry, but the ones they should.
5 Things My First Year of Marriage Taught Me About Myself
Marriage reveals just how selfish you really are, a painful realization on your own time, and twice as nice when there’s someone else observing your utter self-absorption. Marriage sanctifies. It shows you things about yourself you didn’t know were there – things that aren’t always pretty. In my own first year of marriage, I learned the following five things that were hard to swallow.
Top Three Weekly: Questions & Inspiration
It’s Wednesday galfriends – we’re halfway there!
Today I’m answering the top three questions I received last week:
Is it biblical to desire marriage?
How do I forgive myself for sinning against God?
Is it wrong to date in high school?
Now for this week’s ‘inspiration’. This is a new addition to the blog that, I hope, will make it more personal between us! Below are my favorite quotes, images, songs and books this week.
Images
When I need some encouragement, I like to look at beautiful things. That’s why I created a Pinterest board called ‘Beautiful’. Here I pin all my favorite quotes, pictures, and happy thoughts to return to when I am stressed or worried.
A few of my favorites:
Sex Can Be Scheduled {4 Surprising Facts About Marriage}
Welcome to the ‘Confessions of a Newlywed’ blog series! If you are new to the blog, welcome! This series queues off The Other Virgin Diaries series, spawned by the post I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity. In these posts I will be sharing how I prepared for marriage, how I was NOT prepared for marriage, and what I’ve learned along the way as full time career woman and wife of one year. These posts are a ‘me to you’ story of my experiences. Read my favorite marriage blogs for advice from veteran wives: Time Warp Wife, Unveiled Wife, and Women Living Well.
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Sometimes, marriage advice is depressing.
Before I got married, I asked a lot of questions. I wanted to know what to expect; I wanted to prepare and plan and make the transition as easy as possible. As I asked my questions, however, I wasn’t always pleased with the answers. Some were downright discouraging.
Does this have to be true for ME? I wondered. Matter of fact – it didn’t! Below are four things I was told as an engaged woman that were proven false in my first year of marriage.
1. You can’t plan sex – it’s supposed to be spontaneous.
I’ve sat at many a lingerie shower to hear wives declare the utter impossibility of planning when to have sex.
“It has to be spontaneous!” They exclaim.
But the strategist that I am had to wonder: why do I read so many posts and comments by women, a few years down the road, who seem to think intimacy is a duty and a bore? I didn’t want that happen.
I had heard the phrase, “Sex begins at breakfast”, meaning that your attitude throughout the day, and how you treat your spouse, has great influence on what happens later that night. And it’s definitely true! But because I found this true – and because I knew women take longer to ‘warm up’ to the idea – planning when to have sex seemed like a very logical solution to the ‘problem’ of unwilling wives.
5 Habits I Formed When I Was Single That Prepared Me to be a Wife
Since I was very young, I knew I wanted to be married. There’s a picture of me at six years old, sitting on my mom’s cedar chest with a napkin on my head, in a white dress, holding a bouquet of fake flowers in two chubby hands. I always wanted to be a bride!
But since most women marry in their mid- to late twenties, and I had plenty of time on my hands. After an epiphany at age 21, I realized I wanted to be married – but was woefully unprepared. I commissioned myself to develop habits that would, at the very least, make the transition to marriage a little easier when that day finally came.
5 Things I Learned About Respect In My First Year of Marriage
In this post I am simply talking about respect, though Paul had just finished a discussion of submission (read my post Biblical Submission is Dangerous for my thoughts on that topic). Respect is a command from God. That means acting in a respectful manner even when I do not feel respectful toward Mr. M. I learned this the hard way, but I’ve found, as I’ve grown in the discipline of respect, that changing my manner improves arguments, cultivates good communication, and affirms my love for him better than anything else I can do.
Why Accepting Grace Is The Best Decision You Can Make
“I don’t want this to come out wrong,” My friend had started tentatively, leaning against the car window. “But I sense a lot of guilt in your voice. Like – you really haven’t forgiven yourself for the ways you have failed God.”
We were driving back from a quick trip to a neighboring city and her words pierced my heart like a sword and I felt the tears brimming. My friend looked at me and said, “Am I wrong in saying that? I just feel as if you’re carrying this burden… and I want you to be free. I just want you to be really free.”
If you knew her – if you knew her story – you’d be astounded at who she is after what she’s been through. You’d be amazed at the joy and freedom of her laugh in light of how she’s been hurt. And me – the one who tapes myself together with lipstick and heels and to-do lists – somehow she was bold enough to break through my blindness.
Because I didn’t even know I wasn’t free.
Dear Girl, You Are Not Your Parents
Dear girl,
You’ve stopped on the breakneck journey of life to read this post, and I’m glad you did. For the moment you’re here, I want you to set down the two suitcases you have in your hands – the one called Father, and the other called Mom.
I want you to set them aside and hear something true.
Every person on this earth has parents, whether that term refers simply to their biological origins or if it has the deeper relational meaning of a family tie. You have a mother and dad. Some of you don’t know either of them. Some of you lost one to death or divorce. Some of you were hurt by them, abused by them, or neglected by them. Some feel you can’t meet their expectations. Some of you were babied and enabled by them.
Our parents have a profound effect on our lives, and their choices have the power to influence us for years to come.
But dear girl, your life is not the sum of your parents’ failure or success.
You are neither a trophy nor a disappointment.
Your identity is not based on your last name or your parents’ actions. They are imperfect people, sinners just like you and me. But their flaws should not dictate our value, or we will go through life measuring our worth against the opinions of people instead of the opinion of God.
Some of us had parents who did things well: they loved us, they trained us, they taught us, they cared about us. But those of us with this story carry another burden: the burden of expectation. Just as some carry the weight of their parents’ poor decisions or disapproval, others carry the weight of comparison. They think their marriage is supposed to look just like their parents’ did. They think their lives, homes, and children are supposed to be just like their childhood. And when it isn’t – as most assuredly will be the case – they are assaulted with discontent and disillusionment.
Dear Girl, Stop Following the Rules
Dear girl,
When I got your letter my heart sank to the pit of my stomach and I felt sick. I read the pain and confusion in every line; the desperate plea for clarity… for identity. When you met Jesus, you gave it all up for Him: all that identified you as you. Your makeup and nails and pretty things, your music and yoga pants. You gave it up because you thought you had to. You thought doing all the ‘right things’ was what faith in Him looks like.
And now you stand here, wondering who you are without who you were, confused, frustrated, and lonely.
Perhaps someone told you to get rid of your manicure in the name of vanity.
Perhaps someone told you your lipstick was too bright.
Perhaps you read my post about yoga pants and thought changing the trappings was enough in God’s eyes.
Dear girl, stop following the rules.
How to Find the Song In Your Struggle
I think we need courage to get up in the morning and face another day of sameness. We need courage to live another season of singleness. We have to fight for joy, face our fears, and wait on the Lord’s timing in every phase of life – and that takes courage! But like me on my mountain run, we get weak and want to give up. We want to collapse in a ditch, wheezing, “Just leave me here! Go on without me!”
How to Stay Attentive During Bible Study
Last night I hosted our first EVER Facebook party on the blog Facebook page – what a fantastic time! We had people from all over the United States, quite a few in Australia, and several in Indonesia, Malaysia and other countries across the world. During the party, I asked for feedback about future posts on the blog. One of the hot topics was “ideas for how to study the Bible”. I thought, “What a great thought!” So here we go! (And like the Facebook page to join us for future parties! We have a book giveaway and all sorts of fun!)
It’s easy to get in a rut when reading our Bibles. I know I’ve been there, and I fall back into that pit often enough. In the Religion program at Liberty University I have the opportunity to learn new study habits and acquire new resources, all of which inspire me to continue studying on my own time. But many of these resources are available to YOU as well!
Below are five ideas to aid you in your own study of the Bible, even when you’re in a dry spell.
1. Choose a place to start (and don’t bite off too much).
I have tried to read through the Bible at least five times. I have never been able to read straight through the old and new testaments consecutively – but I’ve managed to read all the books of the Bible individually! Don’t force yourself to do something in which you can’t maintain consistency. If reading through the Bible in a year doesn’t work for you, focus on one book at a time, get some commentaries to understand the context, and do a deeper study.
One of the flaws with the ‘read-through-in-a-year’, at least that I’ve encountered, is the pressing need to rush through the book. I like to sit down, read a little, mark it up, and truly understand what is happening in the passage. When I have to read my allotted chapter for the day, I don’t do as much study.
Should a Christian Woman “Put Herself Out There”?
Like almost everything else I write about on this blog (kissing, dating standards, modesty, submission, men), there are two extreme camps on this issue. One implies women should spend life in their living rooms, skip college, and wait for a man who pursues them. The other vouches for ’empowerment’: citing ‘equality’ as reason enough for women to ask men out on a date the same way a man would ask a woman. Women are encouraged to pursue men and make their availability wantonly clear.
And there we are, God’s women, sitting in between these two camps: one piously citing faith in a very unseen suitor, the other out every evening with a different guy.
What’s a girl to do?
The First Step to Thanksgiving
The project was in full, Type-A swing – the project I mentioned in Contentment Is not a State of Being.
‘Embrace Lynchburg’ is an effort on my part to ‘grow where I’ve been planted’… to accept the place God has me in a city that is constantly changing.
That epiphany – that contentment-choice – opened my eyes to notice.
I first realized a shift in my mentality as I stood streetside by our downtown bank. Mr. M was getting cash from the ATM and I was looking at the quiet Sunday intersection, overarched by gray November skies that blended into the fading facades of Greek revival buildings.
A leaf blew by my feet, and I noticed the brilliant red against the cobblestone.
The man who always sits at the corner of Main and 9th – he hums and rolls his eyes at you when you walk past. I noticed him this time, not in the ‘walk as fast as I can because I’m so uncomfortable’ kind of way.
I’d left my phone in the car. I’ve been leaving my phone more often these days. I read in the Wall Street Journal that this habit of taking pictures of every moment actually shortens our memory of those things – those baby pictures, the fall leaves on the mountain, that coffee date with a friend. When you take a picture, you don’t have to notice.
Contentment is Not a State of Being
I chose to move to Virginia. I chose to make that change from small town of 5,000 to a bigger city of 75,000. I’d say it’s a good choice – I got a great job, made wonderful friends, and met my husband!
But I never really accepted this place as my home.
5 Myths Christian Women Believe About Men
In writing The Other Virgin Diaries, I talked a lot about relationships and sexuality. But there’s a variable in all these posts that is only sometimes addressed by my husband’s once-in-a-blue-moon post appearances.
That variable is the men.
Our culture has a great habit of blasting information loud and long enough until we start to believe it. One thing they’ve trumpeted since I was old enough to notice is the ‘necessary evil’ of male humans. It seems men are great for Cosmo covers, bedrooms, parties, and taking out the trash. But they’re terrible at marriage, post-marital sex, and general intelligence.
I’m really sick of this stupidity. That’s right: stupidity. You can’t fight a battle for equality when you marginalize the very people you need on your side – that’s for the extreme feminists.
For the rest of you, I’ll bet some of these ‘myths’ have been ground into your mind without your knowledge or consent, and we’re going to debunk them. When God created people, He created man AND woman in His image (Gen. 1:27). They are equal in God’s eyes, though He has equipped them for different roles, a fact evidenced by the distinction between our anatomies (‘equality’ does not mean ‘same’ or ‘interchangeable’). If you have questions about the biblical definition of marriage and roles, read this post.
This post is going to make some people mad. So before you respond, get some back up for your responses. Provide Scripture. Get the facts.
These ‘myths’ are beliefs that may be unspoken, but have been generally accepted by many Christian women. Some of them are half-truths that have been unfairly applied to very diverse portion of our society. There are always exceptions. But exceptions are not the rule for a whole gender, and that’s what we are going to debunk.
How to Deal With Red Flags in Dating
Co-written by my husband, ‘Mr. M’.
I should have known he would be a problem. I really should have. He was a little too… eager. A little too available, and way too serious after knowing me only a week. But I was 20 and pretty naive about this stuff.
At first I thought he was just an ardent pursuer, but that notion went out the window when he began pairing my name with his on our 10th day of acquaintance.
…As if ‘Phylicia Phillips’ was a good idea in ANY world.
Red flags had been popping up in my mind every day of our acquaintance, but I ignored them because I didn’t want to make a ‘rash judgment’. By the end of that summer, he proved himself exactly what the flags had professed him to be – fortunately, I had stopped talking to him on the 11th day.
My husband (Mr. M, for new readers) and I have often talked about the ‘red flags’ we had in prior relationships. That was a term he used to describe the lack of inner peace he’d had before making a poor decision. Both he and I have ignored those ‘red flags’ in past relationships out of a desire to ‘make it work’ or ‘save’ someone who should have found their salvation PRIOR to a human relationship.
This happens more often than it should among Christian young people, men and women alike.
In my post “You Don’t Want to Lose Him… But Maybe You Should”, I talked briefly about a woman’s desire to ‘be the difference’ in a weak man’s life, or to inspire him to make a salvation decision. In ‘A Few Good Men’, I discussed why we should have faith that there are good men out there – and strive to be women worthy of those men.
If you’ve already married a weak or unsaved man, there is a different path to take. Once married, that person is the one you have committed to love and understand for life, outside of instances of physical abuse (for advice on marriage, I recommend visiting the Time Warp Wife, Women Living Well, and The Unveiled Wife). This is why it is imperative that young people use God’s wisdom in choosing who they date and marry. This isn’t a big joke, and there are consequences to every relationship we enter – both romantic and platonic.
Dear Girl, the Only One You’re Failing is Yourself
I have this routine for putting on pants.
To be honest, I don’t like pants that much. I don’t like jeans that much, actually. Six out of the seven days of the week find me in a skirt or dress, and I never put on jeans of my own volition after work.
This is partially due to my hatred for the whole pants-putting-on process.
Jeans straight out of the dryer are a force to be reckoned with – can I get an ‘amen’? I spend a good two hours doing squats, donkey kicks and high knees to loosen them up to a form worthy of the public eye. Trolls would love to see me transgress my own posts about modesty, so fear not: I’m not wearing jeggings. It’s just really hard to get slim leg jeans on drumsticks.
I’m quick to put a shirt on during the pants-dance routine, because the whole cupcake-look doesn’t appeal to me. I’m also quick to put on makeup, style my hair, and wear my signature pink lipstick. I’m quick because it is urgent: this covering-over, making-up, be-presentable womanhood I’ve embraced. I have scars to cover. I have curls to tame. And I have no upper lip, so I have to draw that on.
We pinch, poke, and prod; diffuse, scrub, exfoliate, and pluck; run, lift, and crunch. Even then, we thousands of women peer into mirrors, hoping to hear we are the fairest – not to them all, but at least to ourselves.
We aren’t all discontent with our bodies, lives and homes. But I do think, like me, many women have trained themselves to meet expectations. When we fail, we feel we have no excuse for that failure.
How to Choose Faith in the Overwhelm
Faith in God is not evidence of a great person, but of a person trusting the greatness of her Savior.
It’s in those stressful moments I cease to remember that greatness. I cease to trust. In that moment, I cease to have faith.
Why Homemaking is a Spiritual Discipline
Josh had his apartment when we were dating. It’s the same apartment we live in at the writing of this post. Living in a college town means most complexes are noisy: populated by 20-somethings whose late-night priorities always tend toward the loud and obnoxious. But our little place is housed off a country road, in a subdivision, populated mostly by residents over the age of 50. The most noise we endure originates from Canadian geese.
God is For Me
Normally I would work on a post for today, but I'll be honest with you all: I am focusing my energy on being 'filled' before trying to 'fill' anyone else. It's been a difficult week and my heart has been very burdened. So today I'm going to share the Psalm I've been...